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Lee Xin Hui; 95-liner.
I wish I have more
to tell you.
I really do.
Friday, September 4, 2015, 2:13 PM
Deciding your own worth .

Finally have a day at home to rest because I took sick leave from work . 
These few years have been awful , I'm always feeling unwell but never properly getting sick . And like how Juliet put it , it's like getting teased by your own body . Feeling crappy for a long period of time , but never officially crossing the line from unwell to sick . Like sniffing and coughing and having my temp go to around 37.2 , then that's about it . Never enough to warrant me a break from school . 
I used to get sick once a year and that was so much better , as stupid as it might sound . (I'm a little sick in the head in the way that I sometimes enjoy having the excuse to be weak and have people care for me . I know it's a blessing to be healthy but there's that innate desire to be taken care of ? Or I'm just plain crazy .) Because when you recover , it's like your engine restarted . Now , my body just feel crappy 24/7 , 365 days , overwhelmed with physical and mental stress and exhaustion . Didn't want to eat but "I didn't want to disappoint Zion T and make him sad ." LOL (you're awesome if you get the reference .) Was having such a struggle , battling with my conflicting thoughts early in the morning as I tried to make up my mind if I should just suck it up and go to work anyway . I mean , I only felt slightly crappier than how I was yesterday , and I don't have a temperature ? 
The past me would have just said "Screw it , great timing , time to head back to bed ."
But I would like to think that I had matured plenty through my various job experiences . Or it's all thanks to the right attitude that I had learnt from Ellen , who had really taught me so much through my time with NKF . I used to be such a kid and look forward to meetings , public holidays and stuffs that can allow me to waste time . But now , we all sigh and whine when such things come up , because we know it means having less time to work , and we are able to serve fewer patients , or help fewer people . Sounds a bit workaholic-ish but I guess it's really about the attitude and the reason as to why you're doing the job you're doing . For money ? To waste away your time ? To serve someone ? It affects how you do your job majorly . 
Grateful for Ellen and yes , I will visit the doctor later and take a break :-* I have to be alive to actually help people right ? 
Ended up deciding to skip since I cleared a majority of my workload yesterday . Felt a little bad to Kelly because she would be drowning without me doing my share , but I know I would be crabby if I forced myself to go and sometimes , I just really need to be better to myself . 

 I don't know why I went on and on so much about this actually . Today is just one of those thoughtful days where I pretend to act deep and stuffs . I will be back to normal by the next post probably , or even by the end of this post lol . (See , I'm starting already) Or maybe because I'm listening to a very thoughtful song , hahah .

 Wanted to slap myself so much for saying this to my sister last weekend when we were in Malaysia , "Ohmygod , after today , finally gonna be free the next weekend . Been so long since I get to wake up late , be good to myself and have a break . " Because , joke's on me , yet another weekend gone . *resigned sigh* Another reason why I decided to take a break today , I needed to be well enough for the programs (or programmes , I can't get the different usage) this weekend . Being a social work major is such a full-time job by itself . Sure , the content is not as heavy , but the time ... I already feel burn out before I have even became a real social worker . One of our lecturer was commenting , "Social work is really different from other modules because it constantly requires you to reflect and rediscover yourself. It's not a job for everybody , and it's not just about your client, it's about you. You'll get to learn our own limits and so much about yourself. And sometimes, the one thing you learn is that, this might not be the job for you." Well... I still don't know yet , I really hope I have what it takes .

 Was supposed to go to school today but was sick had work , so had no choice but to trouble Sha again to help me get my volunteer kit . Super touched when I left the tutorial room and Huien called me and asked , "Hey , do you need me to help you get your kit on Friday ?" when we aren't even close and stuffs . Maybe your choices really define you (: 

 Okay , should probably be heading down to the clinic now . Still have to study for my Malay test next week too , wish me luck .

 Ridiculous post coming right up .