Back to NUS for Seminar .



Dept meeting on day I almost died trying to keep myself awake .



JIEJIE GOT ME A NEW SHIRT , IT IS MY NEW FAVE , GET READY TO SEE IT EVERY SINGLE TIME I GO OUT .



Everyone look so sian LOL . 



I think I'm super brave to walk home in this KASHJVBJDNJNQWEJFN HEAT . But the walk home really relaxes my mind and the scenery is (Y) . Ignore my ugly face spoiling the beautiful sky .


Anyway , on Thursday , my sup really surprised me ?
We were all sitting there doing stuffs when he came to return us our reflections . Then he just turned to me and said , "Xinhui , come . I want to speak with you for awhile ."
And of course , I super scared la , I thought I did something wrong , or he gonna say my attitude sucks or something similar . 
Anyway , my sup very weird , he always don't on his office lights and talk to people in the dark LOL . Not the point . So he asked me to sit down and asked his standard , "So , how are you ? How's things ?"
I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE ASK THAT BECAUSE WHAT YOU WANT ME TO SAY , REALLY . Ohhh , life sucks , I rather sleep at home all day and be useless ??
I totally didn't get what he was trying to get at so I just went like , "Uh , okay lo ."
Then he was like , "Okay , what's okay . How okay ? How are you coping so far ?"
Then I was like uhhhhh how much do I say . So I just say first two weeks not okay , now can la . 
Then he was like uhhhuh , this is exactly why I called you in here . 
I mean he didn't say that la duh but he expressed that . He was like , "I actually called you in here because I sensed that you changed alot in two weeks ."
And I was like shit , what I do , did I expressed my displeasure too obviously lol .
But he continued on to say that he felt like I no longer had that same feeling I had in the first two weeks , as tho something happened to me and he could sense a great dip in energy from me after the first two weeks . Starting third week I suddenly became like less energy ?

At that moment I was just staring at him in awe because like how ? I knew I normally express my emotions really well , I display on my face very clearly the emotions I feel , but I swear , I didn't do that to my sup . Everytime I see him , I smile super bright , I nod enthusiastically everytime he says something and do things the same way I had been doing the first two weeks . I know I did express my decreased "energy" as he called it to my other colleagues , but never to him and never in front of him . So like how ???
And I know they didn't tell him because he didn't know what happened and tbh , those colleagues are either tuning a blind eye to my elaborate act or they always refuse to acknowledge it . And let's be real , as tho they would care enough about me to express their concerns and worries to my sup WHEN THEY CAN'T EVEN RESPOND TO ME WHEN I NEEDED IT . 

Okay anyway , so I told him . I told him what happened and why I was so affected and I was doing the standard "crying but not crying" thing I always do where I feel teary and my voice might have changed abit but you can't see a hint of red eyes or tears . But I was trying to hold it in real bad . 
And he was going all social-worky on me and it also made me have to control my laughter lol .
But as I said , whoever I tell my problems to always have no idea how to respond , this is why I don't tell everyone , I'm trying to spare y'all . (And there are idiots who are gonna respond to me like "That's it? That's what you had been so mopey about for the past years? That's lame." I know because some people had always been brushing off my feelings as me overreacting and stuffs and let me tell you , people like this are the most toxic .)
He just sat there and thought super long at what he should say or what he could do while I just sat there and stare back at him in an amused way , watching him struggle for words or solution because I know what's he is probably thinking . He's probably going like , "She needs counselling , it's the only thing that might help since I can't change her situation but can change her attitude and build her strengths , but I am her sup , I can't become her counsellor too , this is not my job ?!?!?? And it will be crossing the line plus she isn't my client ? How ?" So he just asked me some more quesstions and advised me abit , telling me how I need to let people care for me to care for others . And the consequences of this emotional obstacles to my job and stuffs . I know all these la , but not like I can change it right . I mean , even you as a sup with ten over years of experience have no answer for me . And who could care for me , everyone back off because they dk how to deal . 
But I guess I still am pretty strong , I can take care of myself . I am going to straight up praise myself and allow myself to feel proud of the fact that I had been doing so well for so long . I actually got teary typing this to myself , I really need to encourage myself more and acknowledge my own efforts . I am strong , and I know it .
But I really do admire him for being able to detect my feelings and thankful that he cared enough to talk to me about it instead of brushing it off LIKE SOMEONE ELSE .
Really grateful that I got a sup I could comm with and he told me to come to him if I need to talk more about my shits or talk more in-depth , HAHAH no thanks but really appreciate the offer . 
(And then , the following week , he was able to pick up up strength and weakness in sw in just one minute . He said I was someone whose voice is extremely hard to ignore , plus I'm loud , plus I'm very smiley . But I lack confidence and always become self-absorbed with myself instead of the patient's problems lol . Like I'll be thinking "Shit, shit, I look awkward, what do I say next?" etc , just thinking about my own problems instead . No wonder he is the assistant director .)


Small things like this really makes my day ? To know that someone was thinking about you and misses you (': 
Even tho internet friends technically can't come to your aid or aren't really there there for you , they are still really dependable true friends . And I appreciate every single one of them . (even tho I'm sorta avoiding contact with the whole world rn . I haven't to be on instg for ages because of the stupid fanwars going on between vips and exols . Both sides are being equally and stupid tbh , this is why i don't do fandoms , I just recognize myself as a suporter of groups . DON'T EVER CALL ME A VIP OR A EXOL OR A STARLIGHT OR A IGOT7 OR WHATEVER BECAUSE I REFUSE TO BE RECOGNIZED AS ONE . The most I can accept as a label is mercury since we're still too small a group to start shit .)
Jaye , Juliet , Nia , Abigail , Lily , Gloria , Lynn , Kristen , Maegan , Charl and all the rest who makes so much effort to talk to someone as difficult to talk to as I am . Thank you from the bottom of my heart . For being there everytime I fall , I appreciate it alot alot . 


"I regret opening up to some people ; they didn’t deserve to know me like that”

Sums up why I avoid outings now and why I locked my blog

I'm starting to post so much more selfies and no longer feel stress about my typos , I feel so much relaxed posting now ? No longer needing to proofread and think about what I can and cannot post because of judgement and having to think about other's feelings . I mean , this is my blog , my own feelings are what really matter , no ? 
Like sometimes , even when I post something like ^ where I express my gratitude to my online friends , I have to think , am I hurting my irl friends' feelings since I don't express my appreciation for them as much ? And anyway , I do that because my online friends don't read my blog , it's so cheesy to go on and on about how much you love your friend y'know . So , I have to consider so much lame shit when in reality , I shouldn't have to answer or explain to anyone . Those who are important to me would know that I love them . I express them in many other ways , like replying them LOL or going out with them or a cheesy birthday message a year . I miss pearlyn and yunqian , just saying ):
So yes , I want to feel comfortable on my own blog , I know people like the girls probably won't judge but I know there are still some who reads my blog and judge despite me closing and opening my blog before . I might reopen in like one month's time for those who really do care but meanwhile , I shall just enjoy the freedom to do whatever I want here . Like posting my favourite pictures of my biases . 

Been saving so many pictures of jimin , suga and v lately , my phone is about to explode . This is why I hate them omg , they upload selfies EVERY FLIPPING DAY , and they seriously have like 8 - 15 fansites each , like for jimin for example , there's pocopoco , parkjamjam , today's pjm , miningfulmoments , hopefulminutes , ilikeit , awesome95 , command , there's more but the idea is , THEY EACH UPLOAD LIKE TEN PHOTOS A DAY . So I have new selfies , and fansite photos , press photos , official photos x7 members , you see why I have a problem . 
I am suddenly thankful daesung doesn't have sns . (okay I'm lying because I am dying for his selfies I DON'T EVEN HAVE A SINGLE ONE) 

You know there's this textpost about "did I saved this photo or did the photo saved me" because this is what i feel about these three photos and I'm just like SCREW YOU GUYS FOR SCREWING WITH MY LIFE .



SUCH IDIOTS AND HOW DOES TAETAE DO THAT WITH HIS LIPS , I TRIED SO MANY TIMES .


STOP IT PARKJIMIN


UNDERCUT HAS NEVER LOOKED AS GOOD . THIS PICTURE IS MY FAVE . 
I should request this year's bday present from my sister to be for her to print out all my fave biases pictures so that I can stick them up on the wall omg .

slufflepuff:

people who aren’t at least mildly obsessed with something are hard to buy gifts for

word to the wise: don’t hide your obsessions; all you get is soap/candles.

suddenly reminded of this wise post from tumblr . I agree 100% plus , I think people with overwhelming passion for something are really interesting to talk to . Which is why I want to get into like anime , soccer or avengers stuff because I NEED TO UNDERSTAND THINGS TO TALK , and the fact that so many people are so crazy over it shows that it has values that I should know about yo . You don't need to fangirl over kpop or bands , just having a huge passion over something like DANCEEEEEE or even academics (eww yuck) is cool . Like you could be someone who gush over food even and I'll find that really cute . 
oh and ,
YOU SHOULD NEVER CRUSH SOMEONE'S PASSION . 
wow , it's nice not having to go disclaimer that i'm not shooting anyone , people are just so touchy and sensitive 
BECAUSE I JUST REALISED I KEEP BUYING SOAPS FOR PEOPLE LOL HAHAHAHAHHAH SHIT . my dear friends , please all go crazy over something that I can buy for you thanks , appreciated


THERE'S SO MUCH GDAE AND IT'S THE FIRST TIME I HAD SEEN DAE GET SO MUCH SCREENTIME . THIS MV IS ACTUALLY MAKING ME LIKE THE SONG WHEN I FELT NOTHING FOR IT BEFORE . THEY JUST LOOKS SO HAPPY THAT IT MAKES ME HAPPY


they uploaded a stupid dance version of woh and even tho it's pretty good , nobody can beat the kings of stupid that is got7

And recently , idk if armybasesubs and btstrans are having a war or what because they're both suddenly uploading like 3 videos a day AND I LOVE IT THANKS , PLEASE CONTINUE COMPETING THANKS .

As I am speaking , jaye is waiting to go watch their concert IM DYING OF JEALOUSY .
You know I was trying to be a cheapskate and win tix for vixx concert and my sis was like , "aiya , impossible one la , don't bother trying , you're not bilian ."
JAYE TEACH ME HOW TO BE YOU PLS .

>> http://hype.my/featured/fun-facts-8-things-you-should-know-about-bts/
>> http://hype.my/events/btsinmy-an-energy-packed-experience-with-the-boys-of-bts/

AND BAEKCHEN AND DAE NOW HAS THE SAME HAIRSTYLE LOLOLOL
Dae is a secret hair trendsetter , the last time he went with that stupid uncle hairstyle , everyone started doing it too . Can you please start nicer trends tho .