Just Listen For Once.

Lee Xin Hui; 95-liner.
I wish I have more
to tell you.
I really do.

Sunday, May 17, 2015, 11:01 PM

My world .

This is going to be another one of my random long , nonsensical and meaningless ramblings . Don't mind me .

I was just thinking about dance again randomly after seeing updates from one of my junior . And it made me miss dance all over again . I don't even know why I love dance so much , I don't know what exactly it is that makes me feel so passionate about it , that I could sell my soul if it means I could continue dancing for the rest of my life . And if it is like that for me , I cannot imagine actual dancers and their passion .

Actually , maybe I do know why I adore dancing so much . There's an indescribable beauty in dance . Hearing the music , the sound of our feet slamming against the floor (slamming because we're usually super ungraceful for dancers HAH) , seeing everyone's coordinated and uniformed movements through the mirror . It's even more beautiful when you're actually performing on stage . I'm a bad performer because I actually dance for myself . I tend not to look at the audience expressions . (Except for that one and only time I screwed up on stage at cchm and can never forget Mr Ong's super displeased face...) I love stages which are super bright , with the heat of the spotlights shining down on us , the audience seats so dark that all you can see is a sea of darkness . In fact , I can still picture that exact scene during our last SYF , the part during the pair dance with Lishan which helps me describe the image . My thoughts were actually conscious at that point (which is actually a bad thing actually) and I was thinking , "Hey , this is truly where I belong , up here dancing on the stage ." The claps and cheers at the end of the performance , the genuine smile on everyone's faces because we knew we did good . Even the hectic chaos backstage in the dressing room , before or after a performance , I love every second of it . Everyone of us decked in our elaborate costumes and thick gunk of makeup slapped on our faces , all saying how nervous we are and trying to do last minute recalls , stretches and checks .
Or practicing our moves on the bus just because , and everyone hobbling to school the next day because of our muscle aches and whining about it together .
Or just dancing in front of the mirror alone at home , or in my room to random songs that starts playing on the radio .

And maybe , I love it because it was actually something I was actually good at and get recognized at . I mean , I am not a superb dancer , I had never been a fast learner like Wanjie or Liyi , or a natural graceful and talented dancer like Xunlin or Liwen . I can't do all genres like WeiKher , in fact , I could probably only do Chinese or just something soft like maybe ballet (not contemp though because I don't have the guts) , I suck at things like hiphop or jazz . I had never been the best but I had always still managed to gain recognition by teachers , And apart from dance , I had never been told I was good at something , I was always not enough . Mr Fauzy told me I could run , but my techniques were all wrong and I always just fail elites runner by just that tiny edge . I was told I was smart , but not hard working enough , and I don't know how to use my brain to my fullest . I was told I could speak well , but my pronunciation was bad , I talk too fast . I feel like I come off to people as a really confident person for some reason , I snub people alot and seem to not give a shit about people's opinion plus I talk real loud and never stop talking . But I'm actually a sucker for recognition . I feel unworthy and desperate to prove my worth unless someone tells me , I'm doing okay , I can stop now . And dance was the only platform where not just one but a few people have assured me , I'm okay at this . I can do it . I mean , many teachers have criticised me before too . I had like 4/5 teachers in primary alone (idk why we keep switching teachers) and one of them hate my guts , another always kick me in the butt (like for real lolz) for slacking and not learning fast enough . my secondary school teacher always scream at me for being too fast and forever being half a beat ahead and dancing in my own style without regards for the group as a whole . But generally , they liked me and approved of me . And that affirms my value as a person for me .

And of course , there's also that thing about just focusing on the moves and steps and the music , not having to think about anything but just immersing yourself in the dance . Just sweating and panting and then grabbing a sip of water before having to do everything again and again and again . In dance , there is no xinhui . There is no background to every individual , we are who we are potraying in the dance . I don't have to think about my friends , family , school , future , just life in general . Generally , it's just such an escape for me because I am a wimp . And that's what wimps do , we escape from our fears .

I don't really know what this was for , I just suddenly have this huge wave of emotions about my lost dream once again and I feel like I have to write it out . I don't even know what I am writing about up there . Sigh , so much regrets . Regret not whining more until my mum give in and let me enrol in ballet classes in the past (her concern was my weak legs (yes I have ankle problems if you forgot) and the money) , regret not joining dance in jc , regret not joining haona teacher's dance troupe even after her calling and texting me personally to persuade me , regret still being a wimp and not really having the courage to face zhoulei or the competition in uni dance , regret not having the confidence to take up classes outside now due to my shame at my current state and age .
This is depressing .

I still can't forget how Rey said , "A lot of our social workers end up going to totally unrelated professions like dancing ? I don't know why dance but there's really a lot of them ."
And because I am someone who reads a lot into stupid insignificant thing , I question if that is god's way of telling me something , that it's still not too late , I could have a chance ?
Okay , this really is depressing .

Today was therapeutic though , always a fun time with them . I laughed so much in a day .
Who knew I would drown in my sadness once I reach home huh .
This is why I think I'm ironic . I'm someone who can't be alone , yet I hate going out and the thought of having to meet people makes me sick and tired . In fact , confession , I was so close to cancelling today and making up an excuse the last minute . Sigh , I'm such a loser .
Glad I went out though , really glad .

And oh right , there's also this post that Liyi tagged bbg in , full article here .

1. The adrenaline.

2. Those weird dancer habits.

3. The chaos.

4. The escape.

5. Being flexible.

6. Waking up sore.

7. Costumes and stage makeup.

8. Dancing next to your best friends.

At least we cannot miss the memory of dance, because we will have that forever.

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