Mo Chridhe,
Lee Xin Hui; 95-liner.
I wish I have more
to tell you.
I really do.
Saturday, May 16, 2015, 9:57 PM
Do I take the plunge ?
Okay so ....
do I talk about my past week first or my attachment first .
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Okay , let's get attachment out of the way shall we ? (I actually went too indepth into my feelings I shall post this on its own)
So , I don't really how it is .
Does it suck ? Not really , I mean , it's my ideal field of study and I don't get thrown cases straight away unlike those attached to Family Service Centres . Plus I actually had proper guidance , not to mention so many nice people like Samantha , Weibin , Junmei and Jean . And the arget group matched my interest too .
Is it good though ? Do I like it ? No... And I'll be honest , I'm the only one to blame . I'm seriously such a loser and a wimp . I really really don't know what I am doing in this field . Maybe I should have gone ahead and hate my life , and go to engineering where I will just have to be silent and just cry and struggle over stupid physics and maths . I think I wouldn't be as stressed as I am right now .
So they are gonna put us in charge of some assessment thing where in simple terms , you sort of have to interview five patients and family about their situation , look out for possible challenges they might encounter or listen to any concerns they might have . Basically , really typical socialwork stuff . I mean this is just one of the task assigned to us but the one I am currently most stressed about because it's my turn next Monday . On Tuesday , we sat in when Samantha was conducting them and she let Shaleni and I try to do one together while she also helped to ask questions we missed from the side . So it wasn't stressful at all . So after listening in for four cases and trying one together , next week , we all have to be the one to do them while a social worker sit by our side . And if the social worker decides that we are okay enough to handle it , the following week , we will take over entirely and be the ones doing them . And I'm hella scared and have zero confidence . Because I'm so bad at professionalism , and I'm gonna get so nervous if the client is unresponsive or if they challenge me about my credentials etc . Or ask me something I have no answer to . Plus , I'm actually a little scared of Martha . I feel like she's a really nice person but also someone who's hella strict and direct and would criticism the hell out of me and leave me with confidence beyond negative . I don't even know if I want her to pass me or not . I don't want to take on the assessment myself in the future , yet I'll feel like such a failure if she fails me . Ugh , and we don't even have to go in depth with this interview unlike my fellow social worker majors , I'm seriously so bad at this shit , this isn't even a very challenging thing . But I'm really hella scared , like really really scared . Just kill me please .
And ... I ... don't ... really ... like ... my ... supervisor . Not that he's bad or something , wait , actually he isn't even my real supervisor . My actual supervisor is weibin who I feel can understand me and is really helpful . But he is hella busy so there's this other person who supervise us instead , (not gonna name names *cough*) he is actually in charge of one girl while the other two of us is under weibin . Jean was telling me how he's a really nice person , and I really trust Jean . But , I tried , I really did . We just ... can't really click . Idk , it's just those kind of instant dislike at first sight can't of thing . I'm actually pretty good at telling whether a person is "my type of person" or not , and he is definitely not . Like , I feel like I just can't talk with him , he doesn't understand me . And it doesn't help that I find him sarcastic and his jokes are to me , like those which are "hahah not funny ."
And then , I don't really click well with the other two girls imo lmao , but tbh , I can't really be bothered to give a shit about that . Doesn't really affect me apart from the fact that it's boring to not have someone to connect with .
And another thing , i'm not sure if I'm glad about the fact we don't have much to do compared to others . Like it's good that I don't have much since I'm already this stressed out but yet , I feel like such a useless burden , I can't stand working in a place where I just sit/stand around with nothing to do and feeling like a worthless trash . This is why I seriously think I should look into applying for socialwork admin in the future . In fact , I actually talked about this with my mum the other day and it made me realised this is really my route . I was hesistant because okay , the pay is like what , 1,500 - 1,800 ? I mean , it's admin after all . Even though I am not looking to earning big bucks in the future , (look , I chose socialwork after all which is famous for being one of the lowest paying profession) but like earning below 2,000$ after graduating from university is seriously pretty ridiculous . Or maybe that's just me . And apart from that , I realised there's this judgement from other socialworkers about other socialworkers who don't want to work on the ground . Everyone else wants to interact with clients and do intervention and assessments and stuffs . But the thing I am looking more for is something like ... I would say it fits more with volunteering than social work . I want to befriend elderies , or be for families who have a palliative patient in the household , to let them know I am there for them , and maybe help them apply for like financial aid to help them get one burden out of the way . I feel like I'm basically explaining social work but there's just ... some difference from my expectations to the actual career . Like i want to be a friend more than a professional . And that makes me fit nowhere . Can I just marry a rich guy and spend my life being a full-time volunteer because that would seriously be ideal . Or else I could *cough* man up and go back to dancing and hope I catch up again enough to be a full-time performer . Idk , I really think I am really going to consider going socialwork admin and maybe volunteer in the weekends . Because by admin , I can help people through application for aids and stuffs , which is still a form of improving people's life because I give them something less to worry about . Plus I wouldn't have cases and clients which would mean I could apply for leave and holidays more easily especially since I work fast and normally make sure I don't have backlog , which would make it easier to request since I wanna be active with my religious responsibilities and travel overseas to help out more often . Plus , my mum told me she's okay with me any amount as long as I can get by . "You can earn $10k and spend $11k , but you can also earn $2k and save $1k ." Like okay true enough , that makes sense and I'm a pretty good saver if I do say so myself . I mean , I do splurge on stuff like concerts which make me look like I have no qualms about spending . But if you had actually gone out with me frequent enough , you will realised I rarely buy anything , like I rarely get drinks when I am out , I buy like one/two new set of clothes a year and I rarely go watch movies , stuff like that . So I could probably get along pretty well and I'm actually confident I would do a good job as admin that I could probably get a pay rise to $2k fast enough which is enough for me actually . :D Plus , I'm sure to work as admin , I wouldn't need to have a great GPA , in fact I could probably just quit school now ...
Shit , I'm actually feeling quite excited and crazy after convincing myself , should I be crazy and drop out of school for real though .
I'm really not the study type and I think I'm just killing myself with this stress I'm giving myself for no reason over little insignificant things . Plus , looking at how hard my dad has to work when he is already so old (since my parents marry really late) makes my heart break (excuse me as I tear )':) , plus he has the worst temper so working always make him mad which is not good for his health . I really want him to retire asap and earn enough to send them overseas , to do whatever meaningful stuff they would like to do , and maybe get to travel with them too , as a family . I mean , if I start now , I would not need to pay for two more years of education , and I can start accumulating money now , and gain experience , which equates to earlier pay increase ? Okay , I might actually be mad . But for real though . This actually make me realised ... if this is where I am going in the future , I should probably just study three years and not pursue honours . Assuming I'm even qualified to take it , which to be honest , is not looking to be a very bright possibility atm . Okay , I need to stop here before I go ahead and apply for school drop out form ...
Not gonna proofread this post because I felt too crazy up there and might end up deleting everything , which I do not want to do because these are my honest thoughts .
I guess I will do my updates at the end of the month or next week or something . Bye .